Maybe we werent ready. Perhaps we were wrong for each other. Perhaps we fell too hard, too soon, too carelessly. Maybe what we had wasnt real, or real enough. Perhaps when we opened ourselves we didnt think of the possibilities, of the promises we were unintentionally building, of the ways we would unavoidably let one another down.
For the words that fell short, for the actions that were never followed through, for the moments we shared that didnt become anything more. For the style we gave up our fight.
Sometimes I still wonder if I induced the right choice, if leaving you was the answer to all the present pain, and pain to come. I wish it didnt have to end the way it did, but sometimes, when I think about how we faded, how we grew apart with day and distance, I wonder if I construct the right choice. Because you could have reached, could have tried, could have stopped me from taking those steps away from you. But you didnt. And Im sorry, for both of us.
For the confessions I should have shared that night I first hung up the phone. For the truths I should have told you, that I was moving on, that I was learning to unlove you, that I was happy now. I “shouldve been” honest. Should have whispered I love you when you first turned away. Should have, could have, didnt. And here we are.
Im still not sure what it is, but there was something I was missing. There was some piece of our puzzle that just wasnt a match. There was a part of me you wanted that I could never devote. Something about me that never measured up, never stimulated sense, never fell into rhythm with the beating of your heart. I hope you find what youre looking for in someone else. I hope she makes you feel alive in ways I never did.
For putting you on too high of a pedestal, for building you the center of my cosmo, for forgetting who I was and what I required. Forgetting that I was so deserving of all the love I had given you.
For keeping us both from finding person new, for holding our hearts hostage to the past, for not giving us the freedom of the media to kiss lips that didnt savor like one anothers.
Because that has been my greatest lesson. Not that you didnt love me, but that you couldnt love me the style I needed to be loved, that you couldnt give your everyone to me, as I did for you. And how, for the longest time, I thought that was my fault.
To say goodbye, to move on, to ultimately leave you in my past, leave us both with freedom and memories. So much time has passed and its unfair to cling to the familiar for only that reason. I wish you happiness, love, elation, and fondness when you remember me.
I hope you know Im not sorry for loving you, but this is me finally letting you go.
Marisa Donnelly is a poet and writer of the book,, available here.
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