I had changed your contact photo to something funny you had sent me a really long time ago when we were still friends. I forgot I did that and was sort of startled when I scrolled by our last dialogue in my text. I want to change it back to nothing. I want to delete the conversation. Im not sure if thatd getting worse than how it is now.
I WILLINGLY AND KNOWINGLY SPENT $15 ON A GIN AND TONIC. The last day I did such a thing, I was 18 with an ID that said I lived in Pennsylvania and was about to turn 23. I am actually about to turn 23 and still look like Im 18.
I still check his social media !!! Even though we dont talk !!! I still get butterflies when theres something new !!! What the FUCK !!!
I regularly downplayed everything I do and everything I am proud of and its so stupid that I do that and I am constantly beating myself up about it but that doesnt prevent me from always diverting the conversation away from me so I dont have to address it.
I ruin very good anthems by playing them on repeat until I am positively sick of them and never want to hear them again. I feel like I do the same thing with people.
I asked a friend recently if he ever thought Id become successful and famous and he sort of simply smiled sadly at me and it reminded me of this one conversation I had with another friend of mine about both of us feeling like we arent even the protagonists of our own liveswe are both very dark and really fun at parties! and so this friend giving me his honest opinion to a low-key serious question induced me think of that. Ive been secretly wallowing for three days over it.
I expended hours writing something I knew nobody would read.
Ugh, I told “were in” fine, but I am still so mad at you.
I notice patterns in his behaviour that remind me of myself two years ago. It terrifies me. He is the same age and in the same stage of life as I was two years ago and is experiencing the exact same things. Is this my fault? I am doing better, but I cant assistance. I ignored his call on Wednesday.
I drank milk that had expired three months ago. Not on purpose.
I had written down the little things he had said to me that were probably just in passing to him but induced me a nauseating level of giddy and giggly and all that gross stuff. He came up in conversation the first day I came back to LA over beers in my friends apartmentduring golden hour, of courseand the next day when I was alone for a couple minutes I snuck a look at what I had written down months ago and didnt feel giddy or giggly or anything gross. But it constructed me think it was okay to look back at those things every single day since.
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