The former PM takes a fat fee for a speech on austerity. Its bordering on sociopathy, says Guardian columnist Marina Hyde
In one sense, it was a surprise to find David Cameron telling arrogant and tin-eared things overseas the coming week: thats Liam Foxs task, and has been ever since he was restored to cabinet, in the greatest political comeback since Lazarus was determined sharing a tomb with his self-styled adviser.
Yes, ever since the trade secretary took office and promptly stuck up a portrait of Cecil Rhodes in its term of office, Fox has been flying round the world in the service of pipe dream-traffickers. Hes basically a bad ideas mule, a globetrotting storehouse for a hundred condoms stuffed with imperialist soundbites and meaningless generalities. The unpacking of them is never a pleasant operation. Something something post-geography world; something something France requires high-quality, innovative British jams and marmalades.
Fox was aiming his brain-cannon closer together this week, alas, and we shall return to him shortly. On the world stage, it was Camerons turn to lay it on thick. The former “ministers ” was one of the keynote speakers at the Asian Leadership Conference in Seoul. Amazingly, the title of his speech wasnt Just in Case Any of You Guys Are Thinking of Having a Referendum for Party-Political Reasons. Nor was it Im Sorry, I Was Appearing for the Hot-Stone Spa and Seem to Have Exited the Lift on the Wrong Floor.
But obviously, we ought not to delve too profoundly into the orations contents. These days, there is only ever one acceptable response to a David Cameron speech, and that is: Are you still talking? Wait how is it that you are still talking? How is it possible that you seem to pop up several times a month, either in your guise of Captain Hindsight, or hawking yourself round the after-dinner-minted circuit?
I mean, the one merciful thing you can usually say of pilot error catastrophes is that they tend to claim the lives of those who constructed the cock-up. Yet seemingly each week, Cameron can be found on some lucrative platform or other, lecturing an audience too bored, blase or beaten to call bullshit. For the rest of us, its like hearing someone who ploughed an Airbus 380 into a music celebration talking here what albums hes currently listening to.
According to Camerons spokesman, the former PM never discusses the size of his pay for this service. What he did discuss issues of Seoul was his austerity pay cap, explaining that those who criticised austerity were cavalier and selfish. And as day goes by, Im sure people will be ever more pleased to take lectures from him on the costs of recklessness, when his own party-political decision will be paid for by their schools and hospitals and whatnot.
In the meantime, its one thing Cameron taking the enormous fee, presumably to attain some auto-satirical phase about the obscene rewards of failure. But its quite another to imagine that, from that platform, you are able to pontificate about anything that so much as loosely pertains to the likes of nurses and firefighters. That, surely, is the point at which a lack of self-awareness tips over into sociopathy.
Struggling public servants, selfish? Thanking you, Scary Antoinette. But from you, a period of wordlessness if not headlessness would now be most welcome. I dont mean that literally, of course. Go my magic-realist revolution, Cameron would be eternally imprisoned in a single Instagram shot of his own pedicure.
As for Liam Fox, the trade secretary this week decided to tag-team on some recent BBC bashing by Andrea Leadsom. Just dont call it a brains trust. According to Liam: It does appear that some elements of our media would rather see Britain fail than find Brexit succeed. I cannot recall a single time in recent times when I have find good economic news that the BBC did not describe as despite Brexit Player Two has entered the game.
No doubt we shall insure more of this as current realities of Liams task becomes slowly clearer to him the excuse that Brexit would be marvellous if only various types of British people werent so lacking in some way or other. Wed wholly win Brexit if industrialists werent so fat and golf-obsessed, or the BBC werent so negative.
And yet, this is a level of sub-analysis that even most angry, one-eyed England football fans have outgrown in recent years. You no longer hear people explain that England would win the World Cup if merely the media would get behind the team, or the side played with more passion. Most people accept the reality that England are not very good, and appear to have some sort of psychological breakdown every time they pull on the shirt.
Still, great British intellects believe alike, and it was only the other week that Andrea Leadsom was on Newsnight explaining: It would be helpful if broadcasters were willing to be a bit patriotic. Sorry, queried Emily Maitlis. Are you accusing me of being unpatriotic for questioning how negotiations are running? Oh, Emily! You cant get into that one with Andrea. Shes Brexits little ray of sunshine. It would be like explaining quantum mechanics to Scrappy Doo.
Even so, you may find yourself chillingly mesmerised by the fact that Andrea always smiles when shes delivering these assaults. She has that homicidally saccharine smile you commonly see in customer services operatives who are administering a knockout fiscal blow. Shed be amazing on the Ryanair baggage desk.
Unfortunately, she seems to have her eye on another job with travelling perks: to witticism, foreign secretary. According to a Times report this week, Andrea declined Theresa Mays attempt to demote her in the post-election reshuffle, instead demanding to be made home secretary. Though shed settle for foreign. Ouch.
Having to listen to Brexits Oxo mum tell you she wants to be foreign secretary and still not being able to bag her: Theresa May has now entered that stage of slow demise that Gordon Brown once did, where the indignities are so excruciating that even sanguine observers somewhat have to look away. I know she wanted to bring back bloodsports, but this is a bit much.
Still, with both Leadsom and Fox presumably mulling leadership bids, there is plenty more to come from the Tories in the months ahead. Dont ask how these selfless public servant will find period for Brexit. In fact, it is your patriotic duty not to even wonder.
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