Ahh, the single life. Truth be told, I never used to love the single life. I was a serial monogamous dater, always either talking to someone or dating person. But over the past three years, something clicked inside my brain that I had never understood before.
I realized that I was never going to be fully happy until I could learn how to grieves, how to fail, how to grow, and how to succeed all on my own .
I was used to having person around to comfort me. To soothe me when life got to be too much. To hold my hand through the waves of nervousnes. To pick me up when I was falling. To love me when I couldn’t love myself.
But I had to love myself.
Starting out was bumpy. I wanted attention. I attention. I immediately downloaded OkCupid, Tinder and Bumble, on the verge of a nervous breakdown require some sort of instant gratification.
I did actually shitty things like contacting exes and wanting them to want me, but at the same hour, putting a hurdle between us. I drunk texted people I shouldn’t have. I butt dialed people I shouldn’t have. I was kind of a train wreck to be quite honest.
I had to relearn how to live. How to be alone. How to merely be and be content with that. I had to relearn how to sleep without someone else in my bed. And how to love my own heart without someone else hit towards it.
I became aware that mending is not linear. That if I’m sad one day, it doesn’t mean I’m failing. And if I’m lonely for a week straight-out, it doesn’t mean it will always feel that way. I learned how to cope with hard things life through my way by myself. I learned how to work on myself without having person stand by me
I learned how to cry in bed and not feel like it was the end of the world. I learned that feelings are not the enemy. And that numbing feelings is. I learned that being single isn’t a death sentence. That feeling vulnerable and lonely are members of life and that sadness is not permanent .
I became aware that I can’t do everything on my own too. That I did require people around me. That I required my family and wonderful friends to fill my life up. I learned that the void of not having a boyfriend wouldn’t always be there. I learned how to fill myself up in better and bigger ways.
I learned how to sit in a coffeehouse by myself and not be self conscious. I learned how to construct my own food and indulge in my own creations. I learned how to laugh and smile again. I learned how to take life less seriously, how to let myself have fun without feeling guilty.
I learned how to kiss lips of strangers and dance on top of tables and city rooftops. I learned how to go on dates and not be disappointed when they didn’t work out. I learned that life goes on. I learned that life is beautiful with or without a significant other.
I learned that life is fucking hard. That I will always have to climbing mountains regardless if I have someone loving me or not. I learned that life should not revolve around someone else.
I learned that loving yourself is much more important than loving another human being. And I learned to be patient. To be patient with life and love. And to trust that when I’m ready, it’ll come my route .
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