Healing feels like whatever is passing through you is taking chunks of you with it . Holes in the scalp, holes in the heart, and you’re sure everyone else can see them. But they can’t and they will still ask you to go to work and do your laundry and buy groceries as if your world hasn’t split in two.
Healing feels like you’re an foreigner in your own scalp . Everything feels wrong to you. Why did I do this? Why do people do that? What builds me like this? You become a strolling, talking book of questions that explosion on everyone who gets too close. A word-vomit waterfall of
Healing feels like realizing you’ll never be the same and maybe this is a good thing. This doesn’t mean it hurts any less when you pack up your suitcases, metaphorically and physically. It hurts to watch photos of people who you loved dearly, who you grew apart from, who cared for you. It’s harder to look at people who hurt you and remember all the good. This will suck. Prepare for this. Just get a nice soft spot on your floor ready and uglycry it out. You’ll feel clean afterwards.
Healing feels like you’re aimless , driving at 100 miles per hour into the same wall every day. Some days you’ll be so energetic that you could do everything, utterly everything, and the next day you’re wondering how you’ll ever feel alive again. I’m a firm believer that this is all of your emotions coming back after years of repressing them. There have been days that I feel every emotion under the sun in a ten minute span. This will scare people. Try not to do it in public, if you are able. But if you do, watch who isn’t afraid of you. Love them.
Healing feels like madnes . Healing is telling loved ones your schemes and being met with disbelief. They don’t understand where you came from. you were so nice, so quiet, so but that doesn’t matteryou’re now off the rocker and they don’t want to listen to you. Againpay attention to who these people are. Create a small river between you and them. Forgive them, but stay on your side. Find people just as crazy as you. Theyre go looking for you, too. I promise you.
I can tell you one thinghealing feels like hell. But feeling like you’re in the middle of a hurricane is better than dragging yourself through the overcast every day for years on end. Perhaps your days will look like hurricanes, then sunshine, then hurricanes, then sunshine again, but you’re feeling. You’re feeling it allevery heartbreak and mistake and regret and spin of the gut that you have drank away, feed away, Tindered away. This is what honesty can feel like. And that’s okay.
If it helps, mending also feels like freedom . Now and then, just when you’re losing religion in the process, there is a day. A day where everything flows and your scalp feels like it’s sparkling and every term is magic. Hold onto this day for dear life. Don’t let it go, don’t let your mind convince you it wasn’t real. It was so real. Its coming after you. Every clich about the rainbow after the storm is true but the cyclone can take a long time. You don’t have to wait it out, though. You can stay in the overcast forever. You can watch others run into the sunshine while you kick the dirt and complain. Or you can suck it up, feel the suck, espouse the suck, and run into the light with them. Because “its what” healing feels like.
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