Its 3:56 in the morning. I have been awake since two, because Im tired of sleeping. Im tired of being in the deep sleep of my own life, while suns rise and situated each day, and the hours of my life softly drone on as I sit around waiting and praying that the way will expose itself. Im might wish to amas proof to support my haphazard notion that I am actually capable of being happy. Some divine switch that will go off one day, letting me know that all my hours of waiting and patience have paid off because I took the Smart and Responsible path, and sacrificed a lifetime of immediate happiness for long-term comfort.
Im tired of that passive bullshit.
Im tired of being asleep in my own life. Im tired of smart and responsible .
Today I will do everything I am told I shouldnt. I will discontinue a full-time task with benefits, healthcare, a 401 k. I will quit a task with a promising and lucrative future. I will discontinue a task that others have persuaded me is worth it. I will quit this chore because when I look at the lives that the others result, I feel suffocated.
I do not want the life that the others lead. So why am I inducing their attempts to simulated and mirror their path? Why do I stay and allow myself to feel small, worthless, and hopeless? Why am I wasting another minute seeking a dream with a ceiling? A dreaming imposed on me by mothers, criteria, society, peers. A self-imposed dreaming because I am too afraid that I am not worthy of bigger and better.
I cannot be small anymore. I cannot play small. I can feel the exterior of my self-imposed shell cracking at every major joint in my body. I can feel the physical enclosure of my spirit begging to fall apart. This transformation may look like demolition. It may seem and feel like a breakdown. A train catapulting too fast down rusty tracks with lighter liquid pooling to either side, daring me to grab a match. Taunting me. Telling Who do you think you are? To guess the rules dont apply to you?
Feeling like I am ready to accident and burn.
And ready to rise.
I am ready to be awake.
I will not sit on the sidelines of my life anymore, waiting to check boxes on my resume that should equate to meaning, yearning, intent, and self-love. Like Ill reach the end of a labyrinth and discover a golden box of worth that Ill cling to for dear life because the prize was won after navigating through sacrifice and walls.
Im blowing up the labyrinth. Im climbing over the walls. Im not wasting another moment asleep at the wheel because its the safe thing to do.
Im tired of waiting to figure out who I is certainly am . There is no time to wait and to waste. I cannot be passive or docile. I am not comfortable with small. Im not going to wait for my savings to amass and my credit card bills to be paid before I begin to lay the groundwork of the life I actually want.
Fuck the foundation. I have everything I require already inside me. I just need to wake up to it.
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