You can expend all your days squeaking about how this guy or that girl wouldnt let you in. You can waste your time on dating apps when youre truly not looking for something casual. You can spend all your energy on someone who ghosted you, or by chasing after something that resembles love but you know, in the back of your mind, will never amount to anything real.
You can lose out on a meaningful connect because youre too busy running in circles around someone who isnt interested in you for the long term, or by being angry over the hookup that never turned into a relationship because you were never clear about your aims in the first place.
You can dislike on modern dating all you want, based on the few negative relationships/ flings/ instances/ moments youve had. But that doesnt mean theres something wrong with modern dating. That means you simply suck .
You suck because youre letting a few cases terrible hours alter your perception of the way the world dates. You suck because youre choosing to only see the crap, rather than the possibility, the maybes, the could bes surrounding letting another person in. You suck because youve either be a participant, or a victim of the poor ways we treat each other, and instead of doing something, youre only complaining.
The truth is, if you expend so much of your time, and energy, and love on the incorrect people, you cant sit there and blame the dating world for how your heart is transgres. If you sleep with a person who had you know isnt looking for a relationship, you cant point fingers at the opposite sex, saying theyre players or only trying to take what they can get from you.
If you start talking to someone but dont really show them who you are or how youre feeling, you cant be upset when they dont genuinely let you in either, or when your relationship becomes static and dry instead of blooming into something beautiful.
Sure, sometimes modern dating sucks. Sometimes the route people treat one another constructs you feel like youre never going to find someone who actually cares about the beating of your heart. Sometimes the route we date now seems so fake, so constructed through a little screen, so interrupt-driven and complicated with social media and our messy pasts and our fears over the future.
But thats not current realities of how it is .
See, if you choose to focus on the girl who cheated on you, the guy who never took you on a real date, the relationship that consisted of nothing but physical attraction, the person who would only text and never talk on the phone, or the connection “youve had” with someone that left you heartbroken and vulnerable, youre never going to experience modern dating for what it. Which is honestly beautiful, if you dedicate it a legitimate chance.
The truth is, for every negative experience youve had, there are a million other positives. Its just hard to see them when your vision is zoomed in on components that went wrong, on the pieces of you that were lost, or on the ways your ties with someone loosened instead of knotting together.
The truth is, there genuine people out there. People who love to love, who want to be open, who are sensitive and caring and kind. Who to build a bond with person, who believe in forever, and who dont just run at the first sign of difficulty .
The truth is, there peopleboth men and womenwho dont want to treat their significant others like crap, who are trustworthy and selfless, but also imperfect, and yet will do their best to create a relationship that is permanent and meaningful and real.
If youre merely focusing on the ways modern dating has fallen short in the past, youre never going to see a good person when the stumble into your line of vision.
Youre never going to have a positive position going into a new relationship. Youre never going to believe in the truth person shares with you. Youre never going to really let yourself open, or let person in.
And youre going to be miserable.
So maybe instead of complaining about modern datinghow we are so connected to our cell phone and social media profiles, how we are too guarded to genuinely love, how were scared of commitment, how everything is so instantaneous and pleasure-driven, blah blah blahyou try to change that.
You give people eye contact. You put down your phone. You tell someone something on your heart or mind. You perpetrate, without are concerned about someones whereabouts all the time, and without bringing baggage from a previous relationship into this one.
You stop focusing on what you can from person, but what you can And “youre starting” treating people like the wonderful, complex creations they are, instead of objects or conquests.
How about you take some ownership of the style the dating world has changed? How about we all take some ownership? Instead of complaining, we start talking to people with respect, start going on real dates, start proving person how we feel instead of trying to mask our emotion.
How about we all stop sucking at this and start loving without anxiety ?
There are so many excuses you can build, so many things you can use as rationale for why modern dating is the worst. But have you taken a look at yourself? Have you been forgiving, receptive, open? Or have you let a few bad experiences cloud the style you look at anyone you meet?
Maybe its not really modern dating that sucks; maybe its you.
Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book,, available here.
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