This is me unbelieving all your lies . This is me realizing that I can’t hold on to terms you said when you were drunk and feelings you felt when you were lonely. This is me realizing that your actions never matched your words and your impressions were never real. This is me acknowledging that this whole day I was living a lie because I didn’t want to lose you.
This is me losing you . This is me deleting your pictures. This is me erasing your messages. This is me forgetting your words. This is me losing our friendship and losing our love. This is me losing you and I mean it this time. This is me living without ever thinking of going back to you.
This is me being honest with myself . I will no longer defend you when someone says you’re horrible. I will no longer ensure the best in you. I will no longer put you on a pedestal and I will no longer protect you from their harsh criticism. This is me giving up on your potential, on you being a better person, on you coming back. This is me giving you up forever.
This is me making the decision I should have made a long time ago . This is me kicking you out of my heart. This is me stimulating room for someone else. Person better than you. Someone who knows what love is. Person who appreciates me. Person who is everything you’re not. Someone who reminds me of the love that I deserve.
This is me ultimately saying goodbye . Goodbye to all the plans I had for us. Goodbye to the future I pictured you in. Goodbye to all the places I wanted to take you to and all the things I wanted to share with you. Goodbye to all the narratives that I wanted to write for you. Goodbye to everything that has your name on it. Goodbye to everything that reminds me of you.
This is me loving myself . This is me ultimately realizing that I can’t love you and love myself too. This is me finally recognizing also that you were the only person blocking me from receiving true love. This is me ultimately deciding that I’m not going to punish myself anymore by loving you. This is me letting go of all the rancor and the bitterness. This is me realizing that you are the biggest punishment to yourself.
Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book, available here.
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