I lost the sleepless nights . The nights of me staring at the wall wondering where you are, what you’re doing and who you’re with. The night of me staring at my phone waiting for a response to a simple message. The nights of me feeling sorry for myself.
I lost my insecurities . The days I wondered why I’m not good enough for you. The hours I wondered why you picked her. The periods I zoomed in on all my flaws because I was trying to justify to myself why you can’t assure me the style I see you. The nights I forgot my own worth and the qualities that build me unique. The days I put you on a pedestal and blamed myself for your inability to love me.
I lost my fears . The fear I had that I could push you away if I said the wrong thing. The fear that you will get to know me and find me boring or unattractive. The fear that you might violate my heart the working day. I lost my anxieties because there was nothing I could’ve done to build you stay. You never wanted to stay anyway. You never wanted my love.
I lost one-sided love . I lost one-sided efforts and me constantly trying and initiating while “youve never” lifted a thumb, “youve never” appreciated any of it. You expected it. I lost one-sided attention and one-sided excitement and one-sided expectations.
I lost my loneliness . Feeling like I’m in this alone. Feeling like I can’t count on you. Feeling your absence more than your presence. Attending everything alone. Coming up with lies and excuses to defend you. Running home to an empty bed waiting for you to come around.
I lost playing games . Trying to be someone else for you. Trying to impress you so you could see what I insure. Trying to act like I’m cool with things that I perfectly resent. Changing myself for you. Forgetting my needs to meet yours.
I lost you and I lost settling for less than what I deserve .
Losing you built me realize that loving you entail myself. Loving you entail being passive, cold-hearted and weak. Loving you entail giving in to half-hearted love, disarray, doubt, tears and heartbreak.
Losing you attained me realize that the lossof some people can be the best thing you can do for yourself. Losing some people entails winning back yourself, your pride, your peace of mind, your heart, your sanity and your life.
Rania Naim is a poet and writer of the new volume, available here.
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