When all else fails, here’s how we hope Trump conversations go at Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is almost here, and with it the prospect of having to chat with distant household about the elephant in the room. It’s the worst part of an otherwise great day. Unfortunately, you can’t control what people talk about, and no advice can save you. Sometimes the best you can do is pray it turns out like this…

Photo by Ruocaled/ Flickr.

1. Diversion

You :
Wow, these mashed potatoes are great.
Aunt Cindy : You wanna know what I hate about Donald Trump — [* a truck backfires super loudly outside *] … What were we talking about again?
You: Definitely mashed potatoes.

2. Misdirection

: Appears like it’s going to be another cold wintertime this year.
Uncle Todd : Ugh, that’s the last thing I need after Donald Trump …
Aunt Cindy : Flame!
You : Oh my God, is the house on fire?
Aunt Cindy : No, I’m just thrilled your sister pledged Phi Ur — the Greek-Babylonian sorority. I’m an alum!
You : That’s weird!

3. Detonations

You :
Guess the Cowboys will win this year?
Uncle Joe : Only thing I know is , none of those players better take a knee. You know, what I actually respect about Donald Trump is–
[* a large boom sounds from the kitchen *]
You: Phew! The turkey explosion!

4. Avoidance

Brother-in-law : I’d like to talk about Donald Trump.
You : NO!
Brother-in-law : Not that Donald Trump. Donald Trump, my old coworker from Xerox.
You : Oh. Yeah. How are Donald and Susan?

5. The fallback

Mom :
Honey, are you able explain why Donald Trump…
You : [* abruptly go deaf eternally *]

6. What’s that over there ?

You :
Hey, Dan, how’ve you been!
Dan : Pretty good. Just got a new gig teaching World History up in Mount Pleasant. Did I tell you Lisa and I are pregnant?
You : No! That’s so great. Congrats!
Dan : Thanks, man.
You: You know, it’s really great to see you. I’m glad we’re cousins.
Dan: Yeah, same!
You : I’m just glad we’re not talking about Donald Trump.
Dan : Oh my God, don’t get me started on– [* a motorcycle gang conducts a demolition derby on the front lawn *]

7. Bless dear grandpa

Grandpa : Did you know Donald Trump doesn’t exist?
You : For real?
Grandpa : Yeah, I just heard that.

8. End of the world

You : Can you pass the salad dressing?
Dad : Huh?
You : The salad dressing?
Dad: I’m sorry, I was just thinking about how ridiculous it is that Donald Trump — [* armageddon happens; your granny is raptured; a cavity opens up in the Earth swallowing all of your cousins and the cornbread and the gluten-free stuffing( but not the regular stuffing ); you are the only one left behind *]
You : Curiously, this really is OK.

9. Here for the food

You: Can we not talk about Donald Trump this year?
Everyone : Oh my God, yes.

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