Imagine this: your entire reality has been warped and distorted. You have been mercilessly contravened, manipulated, lied to, ridiculed, demeaned and gaslighted into believing that you are imagining things. The person you thought you knew and the life you built together have been shattered into a million little fragments.
Your sense of ego has been eroded, diminished. You were idealized, devalued , then jostle off the pedestal. Perhaps you were even replaced and discarded multiple times, merely to be ‘hoovered’ and lured back into an abuse cycle even more torturous than before. Maybe you were relentlessly stalked, harassed and bullied to stay with your abuser.
This was no normal break-up or relationship: this was a set-up for covert and insidious assassination of your psyche and sense of safety in the world. Yet there may not be visible scars to tell the tale; all you have are broken pieces, fractured memories and internal combat wounds.
“Thats what” narcissistic abuse looks like .
Psychological violence by malignant narcissistscan include verbal and emotional abuse, toxic projection, stonewalling, sabotage, smear campaigns, triangulation along with a plethora of other forms of coercion and control. This is imposed by someone who absence empathy, demonstrates an excessive sense of entitlement and engages in interpersonal exploitation to meet their own needs at the expense of the rights of others.
As a result of chronic abuse, victims may struggle with symptoms of PTSD, Complex PTSD if they had additional traumas like being abused by narcissistic parents or even what is known as “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome”( Cannonville, 2015; Staggs 2016 ). The aftermath of narcissistic abuse can include depression, nervousnes, hypervigilance, a permeating sense of toxic shame, emotional flashbacks that regress the victim back to the abusive incidents, and overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.
When we are in the midst of an ongoing abuse cycle, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what we are experiencing because abusers are able to twist and turn reality to suit their own wants, engage in intense love-bombing after abusive incidents and persuade their victims that they are the ones who are abusers.
If you find yourself experiencing the eleven symptoms below and you are or have been in a toxic relationship with a partner that disrespects, negates and mistreats you, you may only have been terrorized by an emotional predator 😛 TAGEND
1. You experience dissociation as a survival mechanism .
You feel emotionally or even physically detached from your environment, experiencing interruptions in your memory, perceptions, consciousness and sense of ego. As Dr. Van der Kolk( 2015) writes in his book,, “Dissociation is the essence of trauma. The overwhelming experience is split off and fragmented, so that the feelings, voices, images, thoughts and physical sensations take on a life of their own.”
Dissociation can lead to emotional numbing in the face of horrific circumstances. Mind-numbing activities, preoccupations, cravings and repression may become a way of life since they are give you an escape from your current reality. Your brain discovers ways to emotionally block out potential impacts of your pain so you do not have to deal with the full terror of your circumstances.
You may also develop traumatized’ inner parts’ that become disjointed from the personality you inhabit with your abuser or loved ones( Johnston, 2017 ). These inner parts can include the inner child parts that were never fostered, the true anger and abhorrence you feel towards your abuser or parts of yourselves you feel you cannot express around them.
According to therapist Rev. Sheri Heller( 2015 )~ ATAGEND, “Integrating and reclaiming dissociated and disinherited aspects of the personality is largely dependent on constructing a cohesive narration, which allows for the assimilation of emotional, cognitive, and physiological realities.” This inner integration is best done with the help of a trauma-informed therapist.
2. You walk on eggshells .
A common symptom of trauma is avoiding anything that represents reliving the trauma- whether it be people, places or activities that pose that menace. Whether it be your friend, your partner, your family member, co-worker or boss, you find yourself constantly watching what you say or do around this person lest you incur their wrath, punishment or become the object of their envy.
However, you find that this does not work and you still become the abuser’s target whenever he or she feels entitled to use you as an emotional punch bag. You become perpetually anxious about’ provoking’ your abuser in any way and may avoid showdown or setting boundaries as a result.
You may also widen your people-pleasing behavior outside of the abusive relationship, losing your ability to be spontaneous or assertive while navigating the outside world, especially with people who resemble or are associated with your abuser and the abuse.
3. You put aside your basic needs and desires, sacrificing your emotional and even your physical safety to please the abuser .
You may have once been full of life, goal-driven and dream-oriented. Now you feel as if you are living simply to fulfill the needs and agendas of another person. Once, the narcissist’s entire life seemed to revolve about you; now your entire life is organized around.
You may have placed your goals, hobbies, relationships and personal safety on the back burner simply to ensure that your abuser feelings’ satisfied’ in the relationship. Of course, you soon is understood that he or she will never genuinely be satisfied regardless of what you do or don’t do.
4. You are struggling with health issues and somatic symptoms that represent your psychological commotion .
You may have gained or lost a significant amount of weight, developed serious health issues that did not exist prior and experienced physical symptoms of premature aging. The stress of chronic abuse has sent your cortisol levels into overdrive and your immune system has taken a severe reached, leaving you vulnerable to physical ailments and cancer( Bergland, 2013 ).
You find yourself unable to sleep or experiencing frightening nightmares when you do, reliving the trauma through emotional or visual flashbacks that bring you back to the site of the original wounds( Walker, 2013 ).
5. You develop a pervasive sense of mistrust .
Every person now represents a threat and you find yourself becoming anxious about the intentions of others, especially having experienced the malicious actions of someone you once trusted. Your usual caution becomes hypervigilance. Since the narcissistic abuser has worked hard to gaslight you into believing that your experiences are invalid, you have a hard time trusting anyone, including yourself.
6. You experience suicidal ideation or self-harming propensities .
Along with depression and nervousnes may come an ever increasing sense of hopelessness. Your circumstances feel unbearable, as if you cannot escape, even if “youre trying to”. You develop a sense of learned helplessness that stimulates you feel as if you don’t wish to survive another day. You may even engage in self-harm as a route to cope.
As Dr. McKeon( 2014 ), chief of the suicide prevention branch at SAMHSA notes, victims of intimate partner violence are twice as likely to attempt suicide multiple times. This is the way abusers essentially commit murder without a trace.
7. You self-isolate .
Many abusers isolate their victims, but victims also isolate themselves because they feel ashamed about the abuse they’re experiencing. Given the victim-blaming and fallacies about emotional and psychological violence in society, victims may even be retraumatized by law enforcement, family members, friends and the harem members of the narcissist who might negate their perceptions of the abuse.
They fear no one will understand or believe them, so instead of reaching out for help, they decide to withdraw from others as a way to avoid decision and retaliation from their abuser.
8. You find yourself comparing yourself to others, often to the extent of blaming yourself for the abuse .
A narcissistic abuser is highly skilled at manufacturing love triangles or bringing another person into the dynamic of the relationship to further terrorize the main victims. As a result, victims of narcissistic abuse internalize the fear that they are not enough and may constantly strive to’ compete’ for the abuser’s attention and approval.
Victims may also compare themselves to others in happier, healthier relationships or find themselves wondering why their abuser appears to treat complete strangers with more respect. This can send them down the trapdoor of wondering, “why me? ” and stuck in an abyss of self-blame. The truth is, the abuser is the person who should be blamed – “youre using” no way responsible for being abused.
9. You self-sabotage and self-destruct .
Victims often find themselves ruminating over the abuse and hearing the abuser’s voice in their minds, amplifying their negative self-talk and propensity towards self-sabotage. Malignant narcissists’ program’ and condition their victims to self-destruct- sometimes even to the point of driving them to suicide.
Due to the narcissist’s covert and overt put-downs, verbal abuse and hypercriticism, victims develop a tendency to punish themselves because they carry such toxic shame. They may sabotage their goals, dreams and academic pursuits. The abuser has instilled in them a sense of worthlessness and they begin to believe that they are undeserving of good things.
10. You dread doing what you love and achieving success .
Since many pathological predators are envious of their victims, they penalize them for succeeding. This conditions their victims to associate their elations, interests, talents and areas of success with cruel and callous treatment. This conditioning gets their victims to fear success lest they be met with reprisal and reprimand.
As a result, victims become depressed, anxious, lack confidence and they may conceal from the spotlight and allow their abusers to’ steal’ the display over and over again. Realize that your abuser is not undercutting your gifts because they truly believe you are inferior; it is because those gifts threaten their control over you.
11. You protect your abuser and even’ gaslight’ yourself .
Rationalizing, minimise and denying the abuse are often survival mechanisms for victims in an abusive relationship. In order to reduce the cognitive dissonance that erupts when members of the public who claims to love you mistreats you, victims of abuse convince themselves that the abuser is certainly not’ all that bad’ or that they must have done something to’ provoke’ the abuse.
It is important to reduce this cognitive dissonance by reading up on the narcissistic personality and abuse tactics; this way, you are able to reconcile your current reality with the narcissist’s false self by recognizing that the abusive personality , not the charming facade, is their true self.
Remember that an intense trauma bond is often formed between victim and abuser because the victim is’ trained’ to rely on the abuser for his or her survival( Carnes, 2015 ). Victims may protect their abusers from legal outcomes, portray a happy image of the relationship on social media or overcompensate by’ sharing the blame’ of the abuse.
I’ve been narcissistically abused. Now what ?
If you are currently in an abusive relationship of any kind, know that you are not alone even if you feel like you are. There are millions of survivors all over the world who have experienced what you have. This form of psychological torment is not exclusive to any gender, culture, social class or religion. The first step is becoming aware of the reality of your situation and validating it- even if your abuser attempts to gaslight you into believing otherwise.
If you can, journal about the experiences you have been going through to begin acknowledging current realities of the abuse. Share the truth with a trusted mental health professional, domestic violence cases advocates, family members, friends or fellow survivors. Begin to’ heal’ your body through modalities like trauma-focused yoga and mindfulness meditation, two practices that target the same parts of the brain often affected by traumata( van der Kolk, 2015 ).
Reach out for help if you are experiencing any of these symptoms, especially suicidal ideation. Consult a trauma-informed counselor who understands and can help guide you through the symptoms of trauma. Make a safety scheme if you have concerns about your abuser getting violent.
It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship due to the intense trauma bonds that can develop, the effects of trauma and the permeating sense of helplessness and hopelessness that they are able kind as a result of the abuse. Yet you have to know that it is in fact possible to leave and to begin the journey to No Contact or Low Contact in the cases of co-parenting. Recovery from this form of abuse is challenging, but it is well worth paving the route back to freedom and putting the pieces back together.
Bergland, C.( 2013, January 22 ). Cortisol: Why “The Stress Hormone” is public adversary no. 1. Retrieved August 21, 2017.
Clay, R. A.( 2014 ). Suicide and intimate partner violence.( 10 ), 30. Retrieved here.
Canonville, C. L.( 2015 ). Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: What the heck is that ? Retrieved August 18, 2017.
Carnes, P.( 2015 ).. Health Communications, Incorporated.
Heller, S.( 2015, February 18 ). Complex PTSD and the realm of dissociation . Retrieved August 21, 2017.
Johnston, M.( 2017, April 05 ). Working with our inner parts . Retrieved August 21, 2017.
Staggs, S.( 2016 ). Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder .. Retrieved on August 21, 2017.
Staggs, S.( 2016 ). Symptoms& Diagnosis of PTSD . . Retrieved on August 21, 2017.
Van der Kolk, B.( 2015 ).. London: Penguin Books.
Walker, P.( 2013 ).. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote.
Such articles originally appeared on Psych Central as 11 Signs You’re the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse on August 21, 2017.
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