Staying (When Every Part Of Me Wants To Run)

Ali Kaukas

I am diving so deeply into the parts of me that unconsciously want to hide. The pain and the hurt and the anger-I feeling on a grande mission the last two weeks. I am seeking out that which I have an aversion to and gazing it boldly in the face.

Today this entailed waking with swollen eyes from weeping deeply last night under the moon and having a hard talk with my father, and part of myself that needs to come out. That needs to let go. I wailed in tears under the full moon and still sea like a child with snot running down my face and today I awoke tender and soft-with an emotional hangover.

Today on the plane leaving Greece, another thing I’ve been avoiding and need to stare at proved its face and part of me ran,” Not now ,” and yet yes — now.

For I want to hold and love and feel the parts of me the hell is wounded through so I may walk open and caring and clear through my days and nights.

Oh, this is a sweet walk in forgiveness and letting go and all that is choice.

Maneuvering through with as much grace as I can summon, and most importantly — remaining.

Staying when every part of me wants to run.

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