I Fucking Hate My Anxiety

Unsplash/ Makhmutova Dina

I hate the way my anxiety builds “i m feeling”. Like I am awkward. Like I am an foreigner. Like I don’t fit in anywhere.

I hate that I turn my phone to silent when I hear it ringing instead of picking it up. I hate when I listen to the voicemail, is understood that I have to call the person back, and wish that I would have just answered it in the first place so that I didn’t have to go through the difficulty of dialing back and listening to the ringing and praying that the call will end quickly.

I hate when I hear about a party or a bridal or a group get together and dread going when I should be excited. I detest how I always end up sitting in the corner of the room, petting a puppy or stuffing chips into my mouth, when I should be mingling with other people. I hate that I have zero social skills, even though the thing I want most in the world is for people to like me.

I hate how I can’t send a text or an email without checking it over three times to make sure there aren’t any spelling faults. I detest how, after I press the button, I maintain freshening the page to see if the person responded to me yet. I hate how much I worry about what they are going to think as they read my words and what they are going to type back to me.

I hate how I always hide in corners when I hear knocking at the door because I don’t even about answering it. I hate how I hide in my bedroom whenever their own families has unexpected company. I dislike how I hide in bathrooms when I can’t handle social interaction anymore and need a quick escape.

I hate that I struggle to leave the house. I detest that I sit inside of my vehicle for longer than I should, trying to psych myself up to be around people. I dislike that the most normal things in the world — like buying groceries and getting a haircut — bring me stress.

I hate how the smallest change in my schedule can cause me to melt down. I dislike how I can’t hang out with friends unless they build plans with me days in advance. I dislike how much unpredictability unsettles me.

I hate how nervous I get feeing in front of other people. How uncomfortable I am speaking in front of other people. How awkward I feel when I smile at person or wave at person or walk over to someone.

I hate how my anxiety will make me out of nowhere. When I’m sitting at home doing nothing. When I shouldn’t be worried about a single thing. I hate that I am never pacify. Never at peace. Never comfortable in my own skin.

I fucking hate my anxiety, because it makes every single day more stressful than it was necessary to.

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