It’s a new year, but not everyone’s is starting off on a happy start and I know that for sure.
Lately, the only thing that seems to ease my aching spirit is my writing and I truly thank God from the bottom of my heart for that, because God knows what kind of destructive behavior I would resort to if I didn’t have my gift still in tact, a tool I use for my healing, and hopefully the healing of others.
While the world continues to move on and on and people post and prance, exuberant in what has transpired for them, I feel like a storm reached me and its eye truly hasn’t left.
There has been no taming , no miraculous Oprah aha moment as to why I have gone through what I have last year and continuing into this year. Just endless suffering. Plain and simple.
Plain and simple.
And I have had many moments where it has been so bad I have been in shock, only awe stricken. Like you are seriously in shock because you are like, naw, it can’t be this bad? Is it real? Then comes the indignation, then comes the pain, and then comes the recurring question.
Like you really look at yourself in the mirror, sit back down, toil over the same situation over and over again and ask yourself why. Why the fuck did it have to be me? Why did it have to be this bad? What did I do. Why couldn’t I be one of the people chosen to have the happy ending even though I have been yearning for it? Does God have some kind of checklist of people who go through shit, and I merely didn’t make the cut for deliverance?
I know, I know. Not a day for jokes when you are sharing in my ache, but one chuckle or two is what you have to do to push on through at times.
And please don’t listen to people’s philosophical rambles on why you shouldn’t ask that question and simply move on, because for people who have actually been through it no philosophical quote , no quantity of self assistance books can really put you in check, because when you are feeling ache, you feel nothing else but pain.
No, you are not complain and you are not being ungrateful. No, you are not forgetting to count your bless. No, you have not fallen victim to not trying hard enough , no. You are simply o ne human being who is desperately trying to navigate through the world amidst your problems.
I think as novelists, we know we are not afraid to bear it all. We would bear our guts and souls if we needed to because we are that unashamed.
We simply don’t know what it feels like to hold back in life because for most of us, we have lived lives filled with letdowns and ruinings that don’t seem to end.
Life can suck and actually be a bitch.
It can hurt and allow you to question things and merely be angry for a very long time.
But I assure you that while you are trying to heal and cope from whatever you may have or are still “re going through”, don’t think you are the only one having challenges.
Don’t run looking at other’s Instagram pages with your eyes rolled and think to yourself that you are cursed, that it’s only not fair that you are not where you need to be.
I know it hurts, I know it hurts much because you are the only person who can truly weigh the weight of your ache, but please look for the one boon to hold onto this year.
Bit by bit, little by little, a little bit each more each time to ease the ache, ease the hurt, because often when we are hurting, everything seems 1000% more amplified than it is.
It’s been tough, but take it moment by moment, day by day.
We are really all in this together.
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