The past few months I’ve been getting closer and closer to falling off the edge into an emotional breakdown. I maintain getting right up to the edge and then pulling myself back. Because I can’t fall apart. Not now. Not again .
You watch I have this problem. I don’t believe that I get to fall apart. I expended most of my teenage years a wreck, and now I feel like I always have to be “good .” I feel like the people around me already ran above and beyond for me and I don’t want them to have to do that again. I know they would be mad if they heard me say that. But I can’t help feeling that way.
And so every time I feel like I’m going to fall apart I manage to stop it. The days where I don’t have the energy to even get out of bed in the mornings I remind myself that this is nothing. I’ve been at rock bottom, this is nothing. I can deal with it. This isn’t depression, simply a small dose of sadness . Nothing to get worked up about.
So for months, I’ve been having these days where I feel like I can’t handle it. But I try to hide it . I tell everyone I’m just tired. And I avoid the people I think will see right through that. There are a few people who I know will see right through my facade, so on those days I pretend to be too busy to talk to them . And then when I’m feeling better I can deal with them and feign nothing happened.
I hate feeling like I require people. I want people to feel like they can rely on me and like I am there for them. But then when it comes to them feeling that way about me I just feel like a burden. When he tells me that he’s there for me I want more than anything in the world to tell him everything. But I am so scared that he will feel like I’m burdening him. Even though I know deep down he won’t. I can’t seem to break down that wall, at least not fully.
I had a best friend who stopped talking to me because I was a burden. A boyfriend who broke up with me partially because he didn’t want to always was concern that the person he was with would fall apart. Rationally I realize that I was not their own problems there, the latter are. Because part of relationships is being there for the other person. But I can’t help but blame myself for it . Like if I hadn’t been so needy then maybe people wouldn’t walk away from me .
So I keep it all in. I don’t let anyone know that there are days where I’m scared I’m slipping back into my depression .
But I don’t was of the view that way every day. I’m happier than I’ve been in years. I love my job, my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I am surrounded by amazing people and I am so grateful for that .
So why are there days where I feel empty ? Day where I feel like there’s a rain cloud hanging over my head? Why am I still sad some days? And why won’t I let myself let people support me through this ?
I believe I secretly fear that if I let anyone in it will become “real.” Like if I keep it to myself maybe these feelings will go away on their own.
But I’ll tell you a little secret, I know that’s not the style it works. I’m just scared. But I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up. The longer I keep it to myself the worse it gets. I feel more alone. More isolated.
I think that maybe it’s day I let person in …
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