I Liked You Because I Actually Felt Comfortable With You

Unsplash/ Dani Vivanco

My anxiety makes it hard for me to be around people. I cut dialogues short. I smile and nod when I have no clue what to say. I dodge anyone I acknowledge when I spot them in public. I don’t want to be talked to, I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be noticed.

I suck at flirting, because most of the time, I feel entirely uncomfortable in social conversations. Soon after they start, all I want to do is escape. All I want to do is be alone again. Isolate myself. Mix into the background.

But when I met you, we clicked for some unknowable reason. I instantly felt at ease with you. I could joke around with you. I could flirt with you. I could be my crazy ego around you.

I liked you because you constructed me feel comfy. Because you built me feel happy. Relaxed. At peace with myself.

I liked you because it’s rare for me to stumble across someone who me. Person who understands where I’m coming from. Person who I never feel like I have to tiptoe around to avoid insulting.

I liked you because I never felt scared around you. I never second-guessed myself. I never overanalyzed. I never felt worthless when you were in the same room. You helped me love myself more, or at the least accept myself more.

I liked you because, even though there were days when I was nervous around you, I never really felt anxious around you. I never felt like an outsider. I never felt as painfully awkward as I do around everybody else — and that made you special. That made you person I wanted to keep around for a long time.

It sucks that we don’t talk anymore, because people like you don’t enter my world often.

Most of the time, I fulfill people and stumble through the conversation. I try my hardest to connect with them, but still end up saying the wrong thing. Either my humor doesn’t match up with theirs or they don’t understand my irony or our interests are just too different. Most of the time, it’s impossible for me to withstand a five minute conversation without wanting to search for the exit door.

Of course, it’s different for you. You never had any difficulty initiate conversations. You could talk to a stranger like they were already your best friend. You never struggled with social interactions. You were smooth talking. You were likable.

I guess that’s why you don’t seem to mind that I’m out of your world, that we never see each other, that we never even talk. I guess that’s why I’m the only one still thinking about us from is high time to time.

For you, I was just another friend. Another person who swooped in and out of your universe.

For me, you were one of the only people I felt like I had a real connection with. One of the only people I actually regret leaving behind.

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