It was around half past seven when I arrived at a little coffeehouse in your city. I took a seat at one of the stools facing the glass wall, overlooking the busy street. It was a cold, rainy night. I thought you wouldn’t come, but then I saw you step out of your auto and ran towards the door, trying to avoid the rain. You sat beside me, and there was a long stretch of silence.
My mind was blank and no words came out from my mouth. I wanted to say that I was sorry but I knew that it could not fix what I transgressed. I drove for miles to tell you the biggest apology, yet, there I was, speechless.
“I’m sorry, ” I finally said, for the millionth day, even though I knew that those words will never be enough. I looked at you and you didn’t spare me a glance. Tear after tear ran down from your face. You couldn’t bear to look at me at all.
I asked you to stay even though I already knew that you won’t. You can’t. I knew that your heart was still transgres, and transgressing again into smaller pieces. I tried to convince you that things would be better even though I knew deep down that things wouldn’t be. I knew that we were damaged beyond repair. Unfixable. We loved each other and that hasn’t changed, but love wasn’t enough to construct things better.
I knew it was going to be our last night. Who would have guessed? After almost a decade of being in each other’s lives, after getting intertwined into each other’s life story, it ends here, tonight. Eventually, I knew I had to stop asking you to stay.
Instead, I asked you to hold my hand for one last hour. I moved closer to you and I put my head over your shoulder. I gripped your hand tight and closed my eyes as everything played back like a tsunami crashing down on me- from the day I first gratified you, to the day you asked for my name, the first time we had dinner together, and the working day you asked me to be mine. I recollected the working day when you depicted up on my doorstep with fruits when I was sick, the working day you danced with me on my birthday, that time when you went back with me to my hometown, and those moments when we would argue over the simplest things and then patch things up over tacos at our favorite Mexican place. I cherished the route my head fit perfectly between your shoulder and neck, how comforting it felt to have somebody to lean on, and how it felt to be strong during my weakest times because you were, for the longest hour, my pillar.
I felt your grip stiffen like you didn’t want to let go. For the last time, I pray to God that you’d change your intellect and that by some miracle, you’d decide to stay. But as you slowly loosened your grip, I knew I had to loosen mine. I looked into your eyes for the last day and it was heartbreaking. I could still see through you and you were destroyed. Every bit of you was violate, and you were destroyed by the one you loved the most.
I knew I couldn’t stop you from leaving. I knew you didn’t want to leave. But we both knew you had to .
I watched you walk out of the door, and I knew I deserved it, and that you deserved to leave. As the door shut, that was when I realized that tonight was the night I watched the most important person, the better half of my heart, walk out from my life.
You deserve to heal. And you deserve to be happy .
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