Missing you … it comes in waves , not something that consumes me like it are applied to drowning me in your absence. It merely happens in little moments. When I hear a song on the radio. When I’m walking through the bookstore and I see your favorite book. When I read something good myself and I realize I don’t have anyone to share that with anymore. It happens on certain streets and in certain places. I get taken back appearing across the room to a time when you’d smile staring at me watching you out of the corner of my eye.
I still find letters I never sent and things I meant to tell you.
I said laughing.
So I did. And I still do. Even though so much day has passed I still look at that listing of everything you’ve missed lately. Everything I wish I could call you up and tell you.
I type only to delete because I realise even if the message get delivered what’s change us.
I would to tell you I’m happy. That I satisfied someone who is as good of a human as you are maybe even better. I don’t want to say it to be boastful, you merely were always the person or persons I’d tell everything to.
Maybe I had to lose you to get that. And that’s what hurts. I couldn’t have both the person I deserved and the person I wanted coexisting in my heart so one you had to go .
I think we both knew our time ran out like some hourglass that seemed to have so many pebbles then it didn’t.
Goodbye wasn’t uttered. Everything just stopped.
Sometimes I look at him and I wonder will he ever know me the way you did? Will he ever take the time to learn every curve and every sharp edge? Will he be able to read the things I don’t say and know to ask if I’m okay?
Will he ask about my parents and work to build relationships with them?
Will he grab my hand when I’m nervous? Will he hold me close and tell me he’s proud of me? Will he be the brews that go down like water and will he know I like coors better than bud without even asking what I want to drink.
I don’t want him to be you but there were parts of you I loved so deeply. Components of you that changed every expectation I had in others after knowing you .
But part of me still misses you even as I watch myself fall for someone new.
I reach for my phone and look at your name how casual and cordial our last conversation was so long ago. That was never us. We’d never tiptoe around what to say and when to say it. We were the talks at 2AM. Challenging each other. Pushing one another. Making one another better and believing in the other person more than ourselves sometimes. We were every first conversation in the day never running out of things to say.
And now we can’t even say hello without it being awkward.
I knew even before you left how much it was gonna hurt to see you go. When that moment reaches you, when you’re living for now but you know this memory right now is going to hurt afterward, you’re overcome with both exhilaration and appreciation for even having this moment and pain because you know it’s not going to last.
I’ve moved on and I don’t miss you like I use you but I have my moments. Moments where I want to tell you things. Moments where I want to know everything first and not find out about it across social media like everybody else. Moments where I realise sometimes the people you are closest to are the ones you grow farthest apart from.
Sometimes I wonder if it hurts you like it did me or did I take the pain for both of us. The words I love you carelessly slipped out of my mouth but I entail every term of it. And I would not take it back even if I could. You taught me what it was like to love again and for that I’ll always be grateful for you.
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