I believe get over a guy you never actually had is harder than getting over a breakup. At least with someone you were in a relationship with, you were there. You lived it, you experienced the breakdown of the relationship, the disconnection, the fights, the ache, and whatever else went into you both calling it quits. When it’s a guy “youve never” truly had, well all you have are the guess of what could have been. And that vision can’t ever be submitted to fruition because he doesn’t want it to.
And you don’t get it. You think he’s great, you like him, you enjoy spend time with him, how does he not feel the same style? You’re left mourning the loss of the health risks of what could have been, and that is almost more painful than mourning a reality that has been.
I’ve lived through this sort of thing many a time, but the most shocking was a guy we’ll bellow Jack. We “met” through an online dating site and exchanged lengthy messages for about a month. He lived in LA, but like me, he works for himself and has a flexible schedule so the distance wasn’t such an issue.
We finally took it to the next level and spoke on the phone. And our first phone call was six hours! I utterly despise talking on the phone, I’m that person who is annoyed when someone calls and it isn’t situations of emergency. I’m that person who is always plotting my escape from a conversation. But not in this case, I genuinely enjoyed talking to him and finding out all about him. He was cool and interesting and just seemed like an all-around awesome guy … now, how often do those come around?
We had another “date” set for a few weeks later and I was actually aroused. I was already picturing a bi-coastal life, spending some time in LA with my new boyfriend and then back to NYC. I was so excited about the possibilities … it felt like something very special was brewing and I merely couldn’t wait to see how it would all unfold.
Our next phone conversation also went well, but perhaps wasn’t as electric. This time we spoke for about an hour and a half because some of his friends unexpectedly indicated up and he had to cut it short. This time I felt like something was a little off, but I brushed it aside.
A few days later while on the phone with a Time Warner guy to fix some cable issues, I watched an email from him pop up on my phone. I immediately clicked it open and here is what it said( This is an actual copy-paste chore !):
Hey Sabrina ,
It’s been great getting to know you and talking the past few days but regrettably, I don’t think I’m the best match for you, and I think you deserve to have the person who is best for you. You’re an awesome person who I definitely connect with but I think it’s more on a friendship level .
All the best and enjoy Italy !
What. The. Hell. I literally lose the ability to speak. The Time Warner man asks me if the connection finished reloading and I can’t answer, I’m in a fog, I’m in shock. I mean … what ????
You like me as a friend ?? You don’t think we’re a match ?? You haven’t even fulfilled me yet! At least satisfy me and then dump me! This all just seemed so discourteous. Am I so bad that I can’t even get a guy to date me before dumping me? And how did I not see this coming? I was ready to pack my purses and head to the sunshine state … and he was just like nah? None of this attains sense.
Now had he said, “Look, I suppose the distance complicates things, ” then I would have been fine because that stimulates sense. But what he said induced no sense and I simply felt devastated … and also genuinely offended, to be honest!
I also felt various kinds of like an imbecile for feeling that way. I didn’t even know this guy. We never fulfilled. For all I knew, I was being catfished and he doesn’t even exist. Why was I so upset about this? But I was, and that’s just something you need to admit when you lose a guy you never even had. It’s sad and it hurts and you have to deal with it almost like you would an actual breakup.
I have a theory that dating is much harder for people who never like anyone. I’m the various kinds of person who is either all in or all out. “Were not receiving”, “Hmm, this guy is OK. I don’t genuinely know how I feel so I’ll dedicate it more time.” I always know how I feel. For people like us, when that rare gem comes along … that guy who we actually like, who we consider potential with, we latch on and don’t let go, we need it to work. And when it doesn’t, it’s doubly depressing because we don’t know when the next worthy candidate will come along.
But enough storytelling. How do we get over these kinds of “relationships”? How do we move on with grace and dignity, rather than feeling insecure and full of self-loathing?
Here is how 😛 TAGEND
1. Realize potential always appears more beautiful than reality
Whatever visions you have in your intellect are just fictions. I’m not saying you can’t ever have that kind of relationship, I’m saying you can’t have it with him. Why? Because the kind of guy that can give you the loving relationship you want is not the same guy who will leave you before he even really gets to know you.
The right guy for you is a guys who wants to be with you . He will do whatever it takes. He won’t simply give you some flimsy reason as to why he doesn’t want to see you anymore.
2. Not everyone is a match.
I know it feelings personal. It feels like something must be wrong with you. And perhaps you go on a mission to discover what that thing is and try to fix it so that Prince Charming will see the error in his ways and implore to have you back. In my instance, my issue was perhaps I’m not “sexy” enough on the phone. Maybe I’m a little too “friendly, ” perhaps I needed to hold back more. All of this is so ridiculous because none of it matters with the right guy. If you have to measure your words and affect so much, then he’s not for you!
I’m sure you’ve had experiences where you dated a guy who was crazy about you, but something only wasn’t clicking for you. Perhaps he was lacking in a quality you really need in a partner, perhaps he had too much of a quality that you don’t like. Whatever the example, you thought he was a good guy, he only wasn’t the right match for you.
Sometimes you’ll have the lucidity, sometimes he will. And in an ideal world, both of you will see it and will proportion amicably. But unfortunately, love isn’t always so kind or carnival. If he doesn’t like you , nothing “theyre saying” will change his intellect. That’s not how love and attraction work.
It sucks to be the one who thinks everything is great only to be blindsided when the guy is like, nah. But you need to trust that all it entails is he isn’t right for you. And that’s a good thing! Now you’re free to discover someone who is, to find a guy who does appreciate you and more importantly, actually wants to be with you!
3. Get distance
It’s really hard to get distance from anyone in this day and age because privacy is dead and we’re all up in each other’s business and social media stories. How are you supposed to forget about anyone when the means of stalking are so endless?
But you must be strong. You need to get both physical and emotional distance. The more you think about him, the worse you’ll feel about yourself. That’s just how it goes. He’s a guy that you want and who doesn’t want you and hence, you are unworthy. Your mind will always go in that sad direction, so don’t let it!
Unfriend him, penalise yourself for stalking him( a good one I like is building yourself operate a mile every time you look at his profile. This way you discourage yourself, but also can get in shape if you do cave ), or just go away for a long weekend, or a full week if you can swing it. Traveling can be incredibly therapeutic.
4. Look back objectively
I know you think he was so great and so sexy and so funny and so everything, but if he is a human being, then I guarantee there is also a lot incorrect with him. So if you must think about him at all, think about that stuff.
Don’t look back with rose-colored glasses. Appear back with objective lenses and look at all the reasons and all the ways this wouldn’t have worked out, there must be some because if he was the perfect guy for you then he would be with you!
5. You never know where this will lead…
As you considered in the copy-pasted email, I had a trip-up to Italy coming up a few weeks after I was blindsided. The trip couldn’t have been better timing( watch step# 3 ). I went to Italy for two weeks and had the time of my life. When I got back, my high school ex-boyfriend who I ran into earlier that summer reached out to me and we decided to meet up. And now we’re married!
The bad things in life usually defined us on a route for the very best, but only if we help steer ourselves in that direction. Wallowing and moping won’t serve you. I do think it’s important to espouse your negative feelings and also to not beat yourself up for feeling sad about this. But you also need to try and stay as positive as you can. Adopting an attitude of, “All humen suck. Nothing ever works out for me, my life is hopeless, ” will not get you the love you want. It will merely make you miserable and suck all the joy out of your life.
Don’t punish yourself for someone else’s decisions or mistakes or idiocy. All his rejection entails is he’s not the right guy for you. Maybe it’s because you aren’t the type of women he imagines himself with, maybe it’s because he’s a damage suit and is no way of liking anyone past a certain point, the reasons don’t matter. The facts do.( Find my article on Damage Cases f or more on that !)
6. Feel good
Finally, the antidote for feeling bad is to do things that construct you feel good — a genius conception, I know! So do what builds you happy. Exert, spend time with friends, traveling, take up a new hobby. Focus on being your best ego, rather than wallowing, which will merely construct you your worst self.
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