Ghosting is the new “calling” to break up with someone. Isn’t it funny that calling to break up was once considered bad form? If a guy did that in this day and age, he would be awarded some gentleman credential or something. That kind of thing doesn’t really happen, and if it does, it’s an exception , not the rule.
My favorite ghosting tale happened with a guy named Kurt. We dated for a few months, and all seemed to be going well, but then he altogether vanished. But then he resurfaced a few weeks later! However he resurfaced by mistake. You assure, he accidentally called me believing he was calling the new daughter he had started dating! He immediately hung up when he realized his mistake and was never listen to this from again.
Now for long-term relationships, you should expect an actual breakup dialogue. Although I’ve insured plenty of those end with the guy only deciding to vanish one day. A friend of mine was dating this great guy for about six months, and things seemed to be get serious. When he vanished, she was legitimately concerned about his wellbeing. But her concerns were abated where reference is butt dialed her accidentally one day, confirming that he was alive and well … he just has no longing ever to considered or speak to her again.
Whenever I discuss this topic, I get a strong emotional reaction from my readers. And I fully understand it. It seems immature, it seems childish, and it’s just so disrespectful. And how are you able not take it personally? He didn’t even care about you enough to tell you he no longer wants to see you? So was the whole relationship only a lie, did he never care to begin with?
You feel like a buffoon; “youre feeling” hurt, you feel embarrassed, “youre feeling” angry, you have all the bad kinds of impressions, and it’s awful.
So let’s talk about how to induce the experience slightly less nasty. I’ll try to give you some perspective to the reasons why guys “ghost” and how you can move on without feeling bitter and jaded.
Why Guys Ghost
Before I tell you how to get over being ghosted, I’m going to share the real reasons guys ghost , not the reasons you’ve persuaded yourself of that usually put the blamed on you, or on the fact that all men are evil scumbags.
I want to preface this by saying I’m not justifying or excusing the behavior. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do or a nice thing to do. I’m just telling you the plain facts.
1. He doesn’t want to have the uncomfortable breakup conversation.
Does anyone ever really want to have this conversation? It’s the worst. Let’s flip things for a minute and see it from a guy’s side through a woman’s eyes if that attains sense.
So I went on a few dates with a guy we’ll call Dan, and I just wasn’t feeling it at all . And of course, whenever that happens, it means the guy is entirely feeling it. I knew he would call or text at any moment to ask me out again and my stomach was in knots. I was desperately hoping he would ghost on me so that I wouldn’t have to have this conversation.
I didn’t want to hurt him. I knew he’d been hurt badly in the past and now I would just be another reason for him to not trust women and to maintain himself guarded. I actually got excited when a day past without me hearing from him. Maybe he lost interest !! Yes !!! But I wasn’t off the hook, and of course, he called instead to texting to ask me out again so now I’d have to hear his pain on the other objective, ugh!
He excitedly asked if I wanted to go apple picking that weekend and I suppose the last thing in the world he expected was for me to end things. So I told him I just didn’t think this was going to work out and he sounded perfectly crushed, and I felt awful.
The reason I’m sharing this is no one wants to have this conversation , not guys and not daughters. And daughters kind of don’t have a option because guys are usually the ones to initiate dates, so we can’t simply disappear. Some daughters do their own version of ghosting by simply never replying to a guy when he reaches out again and believe me when I say guys get hurt by this in the same way we get hurt by their disappearances. And in all honesty, I’ve been that shady daughter many a time!
The point is, he just doesn’t wishes to hurt you. He doesn’t wishes to hurt you because he cares about you. Now you might want to counter with: “But that’s so immature! He needs to human up! ”
So here’s the thing, most guys don’t decide to ghost. It simply kind of happens. He guesses to himself, “Well I don’t want to do it today because she has that big project at work, maybe tomorrow.” And then tomorrow comes and he has another excuse. Then he thinks it’s best to just wait until next week when your feelings have simmered a little bit and you’ll maybe be less likely to have a strong emotional reaction.
Then next week was coming and he guesses, “Well it’s been so long already, she probably moved on and forgot all about me. It would just be rude of me to bellow now, she’ll likely suppose I’m a weirdo. I’ll just leave this alone…” And so he does.
2. He thinks your on the same page
The next main reason a guy will ghost is he just assumes you’re on the same page as him. He presumes, or perhaps he persuades himself, that you know the relationship isn’t running. That you also feel the stres or tension. That you also realize that your values are different or that your personalities are totally different or whatever the instance may be.
He thinks that you probably already know it’s not working out, so why does he truly need to call and say to you? That will merely be weird and awkward, so best to just leave it alone.
That’s how I felt with Dan. I was almost shocked that he seemed so blindsided because didn’t he realise how incompatible “were in”?
Usually only one person gets the clarity. Sometimes you see that it’s not a match, sometimes he watches it. And sometimes you get lucky and you both see it and can part amicably.
3. The relationship wasn’t what you thought
Sometimes, we end up in one sided relationships. Sometimes we care significantly more than the other person does( this is often true when dating a damage lawsuit ), and we blind ourselves from current realities of the situation because we want him to like us back so badly.
In your mind there is a lot of potential here, in your intellect this could really be something special. But in his mind, you’re a girl he was somewhat interested in, you had a very casual relationship and it wasn’t really going anywhere and he didn’t think it warranted an official “breakup conversation.”
He may have liked you, but he didn’t like you enough to want a relationship with you. Even if he did come right out and say it to your face, would that really have hurt any less?
Sometimes it just isn’t a match. That’s just current realities of dating and compatibility.
This is usually the occurrence for very short-lived relationships, like a few dates max, where he didn’t have the time to really develop strong feelings.
Now let’s talking here how to recover with your self-esteem intact
1. Realize it’s not because you were insignificant
The biggest mistake girls induce is assuming a guy ghosted because she entailed nothing to him … because he never genuinely cared about her … because she wasn’t even worth a breakup text or call.
This isn’t reality, these are your deepest dreads talking. Assure most of us have deeply rooted fears of being unlovable or unworthy. It’s sad and unfortunate and style too common. The unconscious mind is always looking for ways to prove itself right so when something like this happens, it shouts: “See ?? I told you that you were unworthy! ” But “were not receiving” relief that comes from this confirmation.
Feelings aren’t facts. Just because you feel like this has to be the case doesn’t mean it is. If you adopt the idea that he ghosted because you were meaningless and easily forgettable, you’re merely dooming yourself and blocking yourself from get the love you want.
Most men are good at compartmentalizing. They can simply set their impressions in a box and shove that box deep into the recess of their intellect. It may seem like they never cared on the outside, but actually they did, they just don’t dwell on the care. They can reason that it didn’t work up, it wasn’t going to work out, so what’s left to think about?
2. Don’t reach out to him
He already left, don’t let him take your dignity with him. When these things happen, a woman will often convince herself she needs to reach out because she “needs” closure.
The closure never ever comes from reaching out to him. You know what usually does arrive? More silence. You send him a well thought out text that you wrote and re wrote a hundred times. You hit all the right notes. You make sure you sound mature, composed, cool and confident. You explain that you merely want an explanation and feel he owes you one after the time you expend together. But he doesn’t feel the same it seems … and he dismisses you.
Why does he do that? Men have a strong aversion to getting into emotionally heavy conversations. If humen had their route the only emotions they would ever experience are calm and contentedness. When a human senses an emotional maelstrom brewing, he won’t go anywhere near it. Does that make it right? No, but merely look at me as your tour guide through male brain world and not as a lawyer making a occurrence of the reasons why this is acceptable behavior.
Sometimes you will be required to stimulate your own closure. He won’t give it to you. And let’s say he does reply to your beautifully worded, well thought out text. Do you think he’s actually doing to tell you the real reason he doesn’t want to see you anymore? He won’t. He’s going to say something else. He’s too busy, he’s stressed, he’s not ready for a relationship right now. He’s not going to say the real answer, which is he only doesn’t like you enough to put in the effort for a relationship.
On that note …
3. Not everyone is a match and that’s OK
It feels personal but it’s not. It doesn’t mean you’re fundamentally flawed, it merely means you’re not the right person for him. Perhaps you disagree, but it takes two people to be in a relationship, and if one of those people doesn’t want it, then you have nothing.
Rather than dwelling on all the things that must be wrong with you to build you such a man-repeller, focus on the fact that he just wasn’t the right guy for you because the right guy for you wants to be with you .
Guys can lose interest for all sorts of reasons. And if a guy loses interest over something small, he was never really all that interested in the first place. A guy who really likes you, really likes you . He is in it and he’s not going anywhere.
4. Stay busy
As they say, idle hands are the devil’s plaything. If you stay home and sulk and feel sorry for yourself you’ll allow your mind to steer you to all sorts of dark places and this is highly counterproductive. This will merely crush your self-esteem and attain you more guarded and jaded which will make it even more difficult to form a genuine connect when a decent guy comes along.
Try to stay busy and positive. Do things you enjoy that make you feel really good. Surround yourself with people who love you and watch the best in you. Induce hour for your passions and for things that construct you feel alive, charged, and revitalized.
Remember. Eventually, you will find that right guy and when you do, all of this will make sense, and you’ll be seduced to write all the ghosts from your past thank you notes for not wasting anymore of your time than they did!
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