Here’s how one woman helped her friend’s son cope with his mother’s death.

N.J.’s eyes are dark and deep as he kneels in the garden, hands wrap gently around the kale seedling .

We line peas on either side of the fencing I’ve brought, and I indicate him how to press each one down to the first knuckle on his index finger and then pat the soft dirt over the hole. The tomato plant doesn’t want to come out of the container. It’s root-bound, clinging to the pot; I tap the leading edge to loosen it and pull slowly on the stem.

“Plants are tough, “ I tell, as I slice the roots with the edge of the trowel and then let him do the same thing to the other side. We wiggle the tangly, knotted white roots loose, and then he sets it in the hole we excavate, snuggling it in and combing the clay with his fingers. Ultimately, we dot the front of the box with onion starts and poke them in, some of them already sprouting little green shoots from their tops.

It’s May. We are working together in a garden box his mothers built in their backyard the previous summer. All the seeds they planted had washed away in a hard rainfall. They hadn’t had time to do any more with it, because Mary, N.J.’s mother, was undergoing chemotherapy after a diagnosis of Stage IV colon cancer.

N.J ., out of frame, waters his garden. All photos courtesy of the author, used with permission.

Now, a year later, therapy has ended, and Mary is in her last days.

She won’t get to see her son in his garden, though she is only steps away. Breathing slowly and steadily , nod and smiling softly — these are the things she is doing with the energy she has left. She looks at paintings on my phone, though, of N.J. with his hands on his plants, proudly shepherding his garden along, smiling her same soft smile. His eyes are her eyes.

N.J.’s lettuce.

Before Mary was diagnosed, we were friends, but not close friends. We lived down the road, attended the same church, chatted here and there in passing. I have two girls; she had two sons. She would bring N.J. and his older brother to play as soon as he could stroll on his own.

N.J. would toddle through the rows of my garden, stuffing cherry tomatoes into his cheeks, tugging on fat pea pods, and eating cucumbers like you eat an ear of corn. He seemed to delight in the magical of growing things the route I do. We are born gardeners, part of that secret society of people for whom weeding is not a chore, but a pleasure.

After Mary was diagnosed, I never really knew what to say. But I did learn, over time, to only be there, with vegetables, with bread, with myself.

I watched the washed-out garden box in the backyard that summertime, but I didn’t yet feel confident enough to suggest planting it again or to just go ahead and do it.

Over the winter, though, Mary let me be one of the people who took her to chemo and other appointments. We grew close, closer than we had ever been. We both had strong sentiments, we both swore a lot, we both liked Thai food. I would get a spread of things to nibble on together while the medication dripped into her port, while she got hot and then chilled and then dried out and thirsty.

And then, when it was over and she was depleted, I’d bring the car around, and we’d drive, the winter sun defining behind us as we headed home from the cancer centre.

A parent’s first worst nightmare is something happening to their child; the second worst nightmare is something happening to themselves, because the loss of a parent leaves children vulnerable to hazard, to ache.

Mary said to me once, on one of our many slow strolls up and down our road, “At least it’s not one of the boys. I couldn’t handle that.”

But they, of course — and Mary’s husband — have to handle that it was her.

Some of Mary’s blooms remain in the author’s own garden.

When it became clear that therapy was no longer working and that it would be days or weeks rather than months, the new growing season was just beginning.

On one of my last visits to the house while Mary was still alive, before I knocked on the door in the garage, I strolled around back to see the garden box.

Mary had covered it with a tarp the previous summertime, and I pulled back a corner. Only a few weeds here and there. The clay required turning, but it was soft and loose and rich, I could tell, full of good lobster and blueberry compost from the coast of Maine.

I had some extra pea fencing and plenty of seed, and a grower at the local farmers market had donated kale, tomato, and cucumber seedlings. I brought N.J. out to the patch of land and, together, we started to work.

When I whispered to Mary how good the box looked and how pleased N.J. was with his garden, she smiled, eyes shut. “Take a image for me, ” she said.

Someone brought a sunflower in a pot; N.J. planted it in a corner of his box. He carefully tended his vegetables all summer after his mother died, pulling every other onion plant for scallions so the remaining part onions would bulb up nicely, weeding around the kale, developing the peas as they climbed.

His eyes are dark and deep and full of ache, but children, like plants, are tough.

This story originally appeared on Rodale’s Organic Life and is reprinted here with permission .

Make sure to visit: CapGeneration.com

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s