It isn’t love you dread it’s rejection. It isn’t love you fear as much as ache. It isn’t love you fear it’s disappointment.
You dread getting hurt like you did before. You’re more guarded.
You associate caring with pain.
You associate love with fear.
You think back to a long list of populations and narratives that led to another dead end.
You push people away but at the very same hour you want and need that connection. We all do.
When you are the type of person who fears getting hurt but loving unconditionally comes very naturally to you, you’re caught between a battle of your heart vs. your head.
Part of you wants to jump into things while the other half of you fears every step you take anticipating it being the wrong one.
You lay awake at night wondering if you’re doing this to yourself. If you’ve become so tainted expecting the worst of people suddenly manifests itself into bringing out the worst of everyone.
Sometimes you think it’s you and not every person which is why something is wrong with you. It has nothing to do with the person you’re choosing.
When the common factor is you alone, every time something is wrong with you you point at yourself fixating upon flaws and things you shouldn’t have said. Perhaps if you acted differently. Maybe if you said something else. Perhaps if you didn’t make it so easy.
But love and relationships and giving your best are what comes easily to you.
With every letdown, you swear you’re going to be more careful next time. You’re going to make it a bit harder to get you. You swear you won’t try so hard or care too much. You’ll do everything that doesn’t come naturally. You won’t wear your heart on your sleeve. You’ll eventually be the one that cares less. You won’t be the one that gets hurt this time. You won’t be the one who gets disillusioned. You won’t sit staring at your phone wondering when you attained yourself this alternative they could opt. You swore the next time you wouldn’t sit here pointing the finger of blamed at the person looking back at you in the mirror.
But here you are doing just that. Here you are rereading texts, replaying scenarios, wondering exactly at what moment did this person change their intellect about you .
Alone you think you’ve made progress. You believe I’m ready for someone new to enter my life. You believe, okay I can do this. Then someone comes and it feels like one step forward and three back because here you are in the same relationship circle only with a different person playing the main role.
It’s exhausting to watch the same thing maintain occur. But at the same time when you talk yourself through these things, yeah maybe there are things you could have done differently but when you enter a relationship being exactly who you are and not changing, half of you simply said that he hoped enough.
You hope this is the person who accepts you for it. You hope this is the person who adds confidence to every person who ever left you with doubt . You hope this is the person who looks at you and realize everybody else made a mistake but they won’t. You hope simply perhaps this time it’s a different outcome.
Because the truth is all this is necessary is one person to do that for you.
One person to show you, you’ve done nothing wrong.
One person to show you, there is nothing wrong with you.
One person to show you, everything you look at as a flaw is what someone else sees as beauty.
You think you are to blame for all the luggage in your past but all it takes is one person to show you, you didn’t need to hold onto that so tightly.
Because the truth is the right person and the right type of love you deserve won’t leave you doubting them or doubting yourself. The right person will take every part of you as you are.
When you’re tired of getting hurt and all you’ve known is ache but you’re the different types who can love deep and give your best irrespective of that, perhaps the relationships you pine after and the people you think you want are less than you deserve. Maybe you deserve more than anything you’re aiming for.
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